Friday, January 24, 2014

As Life Goes On...



It’s been thirty-three years since you were taken away from this world…from me. Life goes on- or so they say. I am no longer that little girl you left behind on that wretched, cold, icy winter day. I am a grown up, for all its worth. I have a family, a job, responsibilities, a purpose, and I have hopes and dreams. I have a self-chosen identity. I am no longer the little orphan girl- no longer am I the subject of pity, sympathy, or empathy. No longer do I have to brace myself and prepare to hide my emotions in anticipation of being asked, “Where are your parents?” or “Where do your parents live?” 

I have come a long way. But I have come a long way without you. Not a choice I made or would ever have made- but something I was forced to do because of the luck of the draw. My draw. To live, survive, and make it in the world without you. To be good. To be kind. To be generous. To be understanding. To be successful. To be happy. All, without you.
 
Yes, life goes on and I have come a long way. Yet not a day goes by when I don’t think about what could have been. What would it have been like if you both were still here? How would it have felt like to know that you were here to love me and support me unconditionally? What were the everyday things we would have done that oh so many take for granted? Would we have spent holidays together? Would we exchange gifts randomly? Would we share recipes? Would you give me advice on how to move ahead at work or on following my dreams no matter what? Would we call or text each other several times a day? Would you give me tips on how to get the best mileage out of my car, save money on groceries, buy a house? Would I have talked to you about my innermost fears and insecurities? Would I have taken you for granted or would I have had the karmic wisdom to appreciate every second I had with you knowing that it all could be taken away in the flash of a moment? Would I have given you the love and respect you deserved for being who you are?

I would like to believe so. In the absence of reality, all I have are my fantasies. The fantasy of having never lost you, of you being here with me, of a feeling of safety and belonging. Yes, life goes on and I have come a long way. But truth be told, it’s not without you. Choosing not to let go and to keep hanging on to the fantasy of what could have been, a distant memory of a parallel life where you are not gone, have inexplicably helped me come this far in the life that goes on.

1 comment:

  1. You may wish to check out http://myoldmanriver.blogspot.com/
    Moromere - Khura

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