It’s been thirty-three years since you were taken away from
this world…from me. Life goes on- or so they say. I am no longer that little
girl you left behind on that wretched, cold, icy winter day. I am a grown up, for
all its worth. I have a family, a job, responsibilities, a purpose, and I have
hopes and dreams. I have a self-chosen identity. I am no longer the little
orphan girl- no longer am I the subject of pity, sympathy, or empathy. No
longer do I have to brace myself and prepare to hide my emotions in
anticipation of being asked, “Where are your parents?” or “Where do your
parents live?”
I have come a long way. But I have come a long way without
you. Not a choice I made or would ever have made- but something I was forced to
do because of the luck of the draw. My draw. To live, survive, and make it in
the world without you. To be good. To be kind. To be generous. To be
understanding. To be successful. To be happy. All, without you.
Yes, life goes on and I have come a long way. Yet not a day
goes by when I don’t think about what could have been. What would it have been
like if you both were still here? How would it have felt like to know that you
were here to love me and support me unconditionally? What were the everyday
things we would have done that oh so many take for granted? Would we have spent
holidays together? Would we exchange gifts randomly? Would we share recipes?
Would you give me advice on how to move ahead at work or on following my dreams
no matter what? Would we call or text each other several times a day? Would you
give me tips on how to get the best mileage out of my car, save money on
groceries, buy a house? Would I have talked to you about my innermost fears and
insecurities? Would I have taken you for granted or would I have had the karmic
wisdom to appreciate every second I had with you knowing that it all could be
taken away in the flash of a moment? Would I have given you the love and
respect you deserved for being who you are?
I would like to believe so. In the absence of reality, all I
have are my fantasies. The fantasy of having never lost you, of you being here
with me, of a feeling of safety and belonging. Yes, life goes on and I have
come a long way. But truth be told, it’s not without you. Choosing not to let
go and to keep hanging on to the fantasy of what could have been, a distant
memory of a parallel life where you are not gone, have inexplicably helped me come
this far in the life that goes on.
You may wish to check out http://myoldmanriver.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteMoromere - Khura